living water, satisfy me.

home.

i never missed it last year because i could come and go freely.
now that my weeks are completely full, home seems so much more distant.

i love it here.  i am immensely blessed.

“the family is a haven in a heartless world”
-christopher lasch

i know there are a lot of christmas and easter songs, but what about thanksgiving songs?

maybe i’ll write one :]

i’d love to hop in

and just fly away.

disclaimer: i probably mean everything i say

but that doesn’t mean you should take me seriously.

i’ve given up hope in fairy tales.  it’s official.  i don’t believe good guys exist.
do i have this big sign that says “not worth it” on my forehead?  because it seems that guys don’t want to waste their time with me, because that’s all i’ll be: a waste of time.

i want to be treated like a princess.  i want to be swept off my feet.  i want to feel butterflies because of something a guy says.  i want him to look at me like i’m the most important thing in the world to him.  and for him to mean every word he says.

i don’t want to be treated like a skank.  i don’t want to be used for his pleasure and then never thought of again.

i hate looking back at everything i’ve done and everything i’ve dealt with.  it makes me completely sick.
i’ve ruined friendships.  i’ve tested myself.  i’ve tested others.  i’ve lied.  i’ve lost feeling.

oh, i didn’t tell you that before?  yeah, i’ve lost feeling.  i fight everything so hard.  i try to make it so that nothing stings.  nothing matters.  nothing hurts.

i won’t be serious.  i don’t want to give anyone a reason to hit me where it really hurts.  so everything is just a big joke.  when i laugh, i mean it.  don’t get me wrong.  but i feel so freaking jaded.  because of things i’ve put myself through.

things i’ve put myself through.  no one else is to blame.  just me.

anyways, i know everyone has their fairy tale.  i guess i won’t believe it until i see it.

one more thing.  if you read this and feel like you have to console me, comfort me, make me feel better, etc.  just save it.  pity is for babies. and  it’s about time i grew up.

i’ve been convincing myself that i’m worthwhile
because i’m worth what i’ll convince myself to be.

send out the search parties.

i’m constantly looking for that neverending
unconditional
through-it-all
compassionate
sympathetic
empathetic
dearest
make-you-laugh-when-you-know-you-wanna-cry
friend.

but i guess i won’t find one until i completely learn how to be one.

i’ve always thought of myself as a free spirit trapped inside a good conscience.
sometimes, i’ll get my hands on the key to the lock that keeps me from liberty;
emancipated for as long as my mind will let me be.

yeah, i’ll run free
free as the imagination takes me
but the imagination is a little devil.

he tricks and treats
and fools
until i’m the thread and he’s the spool
and he controls while i believe
the lies he feeds.

oh, i’ll believe them.

imagination is a friend in disguise
or maybe a fiend
but for now i trust him
because he’s fun.

for now i trust him
because he’s silly.

for now i trust him
because he can make me feel stronger than i really am.

i don’t want you to know when i’m hurting
and i don’t want you to know when i’m enamored.
i don’t want you to know when i’m broken
and i don’t want you to know when i think you’re wonderful.

i can’t be honest with you because i can’t be honest with myself.  i long so badly to be stronger than emotions.  i want to be bigger than problems.  i desire to overcome pain.

never have i ever been able to do any of the above.
but if i could pretend and make you believe i’m okay with whatever, maybe i’d eventually be okay with whatever.
if i could make you believe i’m fine, maybe i’d eventually be fine.
if i could make you believe i’m strong, maybe eventually, i would be strong.

maybe i’m wrong.
maybe imagination is getting the best of me.
maybe i’m more trapped than i thought i was.

i mean this from the bottom of my heart and the back of my mind:
i’m broken and i need to be fixed.

will someone please try to fix me?

living is easy with eyes closed.

stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it
stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it
stop it stop it
stop it stop it stop it stop it stop
it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it
stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it.

stop this train.

i wanna get off and go home again.