broken.

journal: january 3, 2011.

i’m trying to gather my thoughts, but i’m realizing quickly that i can’t.  i’ve never been so in awe of the love God has for me.  and i say that partially excited and partially disgusted.  disgusted with myself, with my flesh, wondering how i could’ve felt comfortable enough with my life up to this point to completely overlook the deep, deep love of Jesus Christ.  i weep partially out of joy for the realization that the LORD has a real love for me, and partially out of sorrow for it taking me twenty years to see it.  others in this world are giving their lives for the advancement of the gospel and the kingdom of heaven, and i can’t remember the last time i told someone about Jesus.

it’s hard.  it hurts.  knowing a good majority of my life has been wasted is unbearable.  but i know that God has softened my heart with reason.  He has made Himself known to me with purpose.  i pray that i would always be receptive to what God’s will is for my life.  i pray that my passion would be to carry out God’s perfect commands.  i pray that i would have the heart, the same heart, as the Father.  and i pray that He would use me to glorify Himself.

He glorified Himself without a doubt today.  for the first time, i experienced the feeling of freedom, the feeling of liberty, from sin.  i saw today where i have been in comparison to where i am now and i am blown away.  the LORD has rescued me and i rejoice in His salvation.  this morning’s session was a time of celebration in recognition of God’s wonderful power.  and while i relish in this time of joy, i still see that i am no where near where i need to be.  and so, here comes action.

i need to prepare myself daily to share the gospel EVERY chance i get.  i need to love others well and love then genuinely, so that Christ’s love shines through me and so that He is ultimately glorified in all my relationships.  i need to serve selflessly, and ultimately abandon myself and what i want so that i can do exactly what God wants.  and i need to rid myself of pride, envy, and selfishness so that i can be holy and blameless in God’s eyes.  i pray that God would humble me greatly so that He, and ONLY He, can be lifted up.  i pray that my attitude would be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

“when you know God truly, you will love God deeply.”
-david platt

a new aspiration.

spirit fall.

come.
magnify the Son.
Saviour of the world; the hope for everyone.

frank crane.

“what is a friend?  i will tell you.
it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.”

stephen colbert.

“if this is going to be a christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we’ve got to pretend that Jesus was as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition – and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.”

i could live here.

to-do list for christmas break:

passion 2011;
learn to yodel;
unpack and organize college things;
p90x;
trip to florida;
relient k acoustic show;
surprise visit to some very important people;
learn to love the LORD more;
make christmas mean something;
have a blast.

man, i have a lot to do.  better get started :]

i love walking by people and catching just a section or their conversation.
it makes me believe they’re funny and interesting.  when in all actuality, they may be just as mundane as everyone else.

love is kind.

mark twain once said, “kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

how different would our world look if we took time out of our day to be kind?  if we abandoned our own personal agendas to simply help someone in need.  hold the door open for someone.  pick up a mess when someone spills their coffee.  let someone pull out in front of you when no one else seems to.

self-abandonment: one of the hardest ideas to grasp.  in a world that tells us to focus on ourselves, focusing on others seems pointless.  focusing on others without expecting anything in return seems foolish.

we tend to forget how much a smile means to others until we receive one from a stranger.  we forget what kindness looks like because, well, it just doesn’t happen that often anymore.  and all that we believe to be true is challenged by the american dream.

i believe in:
random acts of anonymous kindness.
a smile and “how do you do?” to a passing stranger.
relationship building, even with the gas station clerk and waitress at your restaurant.

we’ll never grasp the idea of love if we can’t first put ourselves last and find others’ needs to be far more important than the needs of our own.  if we can’t find a kind word to say to someone who is frustrating or harsh.  if we can’t respect one another.

do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
each of you should look not only to your own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
-philippians 2:3-5-