random nothings.

i wrote in a journal yesterday.  i normally don’t like writing in journals because i feel like what i have to say ruins the beauty of the pages.  then i realized it’s my words that will make those pages beautiful.

i want a clear bubble umbrella.  they sell them at target.  and urban outfitters.

i tried a new perfume today.  it’s actually an old one, i just stopped using it because i hated it.  that still stands true, i don’t know why i even used it.

everytime i sit down to write a song, the words don’t flow.  maybe it’s just not meant to be.

i’ve been thinking about my childhood a lot lately, and part of it haunts me.  the other part is unclear.

i sleep too late and my mom scolds me for it.  i don’t see a point in waking up if there is nothing to do.  that’s probably a bad way to view life, but i’m sticking to it.

i like bright colored pants.

i’m rarely ever sure of what i want.  but i’m always sure of what i don’t want.

that didn’t make sense.

i wrote about my parents.  i wrote about how i feel when i disappoint them.  i wrote about everything i feel like i need to tell them, but know i shouldn’t.  maybe someday.

the clock in my room stopped working.  it’s stuck on 10:15.  maybe that’s why I go to bed so late.

i wish everyone expected less from me so then my life would be a big surprise instead of a big letdown.  i’m worried that’s how things will end up.

i’ve always enjoyed making conversations with people.  i’m a very trusting person, and will tell anyone about my life if they want to know.  once you’ve broken that trust though, it takes a lot to gain it back.

i can’t wait to fall in love.

i take that back.

i don’t want to wait to fall in love.  but i know that waiting is the only way i’ll know for sure that it’s love.  and i’m excited for that day.

i collect coasters.

my favorite animal is a giraffe.

i’m not sure about the tattoo thing.  it’s gonna hurt.

i’m excited for new year’s eve.  i hope you are too.

i’m starting to get tired.  i think i’ll leave this for another day.

there wasn’t supposed to be a point to this.  i was just told recently that i need to blog again.
you’re welcome :]

I wanna go back.

What ever happened to the way things used to be?  The old school system of dating, where “will you go out with me” actually meant “will you go out with me”?  Where going on dates with different people was an accepted thing?

I want to be able to go out on a date with one guy one week, then go out with another guy a different week and not be considered a skank.

I want to be asked out on a date and that would be all if we so choose.  It’s just a date, it doesn’t have to be anything serious.  It’s called “getting to know each other.”

Here’s what I want:

Boy meets girl.  Boy is interested in girl.  Boy asks girl to dinner Friday night.  Girl accepts.  Girl stresses over wearing just the right outfit.  Boy smells nice.  Boy picks up girl at girl’s house.  Boy takes girl to dinner, opens all girl’s doors, and pays for girl’s dinner.  Boy and girl talk and get to know each other.  Boy and girl go for a walk around the town.  Boy drives girl back home.

The night ends.

Boy and girl continue to go on dates together.  Boy and girl really start to like each other.  Boy asks girl to go steady.  Now, girl is considered girlfriend.  Boy is considered boyfriend.

That makes WAY more sense than what we’ve got going on right now.

“I like you”
“I like you too”
“Will you go out with me?”
“I’d love to”

“Mom, I have a girlfriend.”
“Dad, I have a boyfriend.”

“When was your first date?”
“We haven’t had one yet”

“When was your first kiss?”
“Two weeks before we started dating”

doesn’t. make. sense.

Can we go back to the good old days of dating?  I’d really like that.  And I’d really like to be asked out for dinner.  It would be the first time.

don’t be that girl.

i will say too much and hurt your feelings.
i will talk about you behind your back and act like we’re best friends to your face.
i know what i want, but i don’t know what i don’t want.

i am that girl.

i am that girl who wouldn’t care if she broke up you and your girlfriend because then she’d have the victory.
i am that girl who would make out in the backseat of a car with someone she’d never date.
i am that girl who would go too far because deep down, she wanted it just as badly as you.
i am that girl who would act one way in public and another way in private.
i am that girl who would close the chat box so no one would know what we were talking about.

don’t be that girl.

i want so badly to trust you but you let me down so often.
i want so badly for you to be honest with me, but i’ve never been honest with you.
i want so badly for you to love me, but she matters more to you now, and i need to understand that.
i want so badly for you to trust me, but all you see is a little girl who still needs mommy and daddy.
i want so badly for you to be there for me because these scars are crying out tonight.

i am that girl.

i am that girl who can’t sleep at night because she’s too busy thinking about every wrong she’s done.
i am that girl who feels like she’ll never be good enough for anyone.
i am that girl who won’t call you because, honestly, she forgot about you all day.
i am that girl who holds a double-standard constantly.

don’t be that girl.

i don’t spend my time cleaning my room, i spend my time messing up my life.
i don’t spend my time studying, i spend my time testing myself to see how far i’ll go.
i don’t spend my time praying, i spend my time figuring out how to do it on my own.
i don’t spend my time waiting for you to provide, i spend my time searching for who can provide.

i am that girl.

i am that girl who is starting to be apathetic about her situation.

don’t be that girl.

i am fake
dishonest
cheating
dirty
wasteful
prideful
selfish
confused
upset
hurt
empathetic
apathetic
emotional
affectionate

i am that girl.

i am that girl who smiles daily, because she sees no reason to frown.
i am that girl who cries occasionally, because nothing spurs on her tears.
i am that girl who needs forgiveness desperately, but can’t ask for it.

don’t be that girl.
i am that girl.
don’t be that girl.
i am that girl.

i am that girl crying out to her Father, because she’s had all she can take.
i am that girl falling on her knees, begging that He would come rescue her.
i am that girl that You are calling out to: “return to Me with all your heart.”
i am that girl who desires to become completely and totally satisfied in You so she will know what it feels like to be loved
wanted
desired
sought after
prayed for
looked after

i’m not that girl.

please, be that girl.